19 Weeks and Counting

Yesterday was a tough one. At first there was hardly any blood, but that quickly changed. After that, it was a very emotional day. I was very worried about my doctors appointment this morning, and I couldn't stop the horrible thoughts of what might be from entering my mind. I did not sleep well at all and woke up in a panic several times. Our appointment was for 8am April 24, 2020, and I was scared that we would go to be told our baby no longer had a heart beat.

We arrived at the doctors office, which is located at the hospital, and went inside. We were stopped at the door and told Travis was not going to be able to come into the hospital at all with me since it was "Just an OB appointment." Of course with my emotions at my limits right now, it doesn't take much to make me cry and panic, so that's exactly what I did. We explained to the woman that it was not "just an OB appointment," but it was an emergency appointment. She asked me if it was something bad, which honestly just frustrated me, but I said yes. She ended up letting Travis in with me and informed us that they still might not let him in the back. At least he would be in the hospital if i needed him. We get checked in and called to the back. The nurse informs us that Travis cannot come with me and leads me to the back. The entire time, I am crying with the realization that I might find out our baby was gone without my husband there. The nurse very clearly did not know what was going on and asked me the normal questions about pregnancy which the answers should all be no to. She realized something was up when she got to the question about if there was any bleeding and I explained to her that there was indeed bleeding and had been bleeding since my hospital visit Monday. She then asked if I had any leaking fluid ever to which I explained that my water broke for the 100th time. She asked me if I knew that for sure and I once again pointed her to my several hospital visits in the last week. I know I was starting to get snippy, but I was very frustrated with everything happening. She proceeded to ask about the medication I was on to which I told her that I was on prenatal and iron from the hospital, but also other vitamins. The nurse then said back to me, "Okay so just the two, prenatal and iron." After a back and forth 2 or 3 times I finally got her to understand that I was taking other vitamins. She asked me to list them, and I kind of snapped at that point from frustration, mostly because I didn't know what they all were, but Travis did. My response was that if she wanted to know them, then she could go ask my husband what they were. I know it wasn't the best approach, but realistically it was the only answer since our phones do not work in the hospital anyway. She told me to get dressed from the waist down and she was going to get the doctor. About 10 seconds after she walked out, she came back in to let me know the doctor asked her to go get Travis from the waiting room.

Travis and the doctor came in at the same time. This was not a doctor I had ever seen, but she seemed more familiar with what was going on as well as more understanding. We found the baby's heart beat, and what looked like some fluid, but very little. I told her that I did not consent to a pelvic exam and after a little pushing from her about having one, she finally agreed. We talked about what to expect over the next few weeks, and about future appointments. I informed her that the anatomy scan was set for May 4th. She let me know that she was contacting the doctors in Anchorage to discuss moving me there around 24 weeks if I make it that far, and that they will want to do a consult after the anatomy scan. She let us know again that even if the baby is born alive, he may not survive because of his under developed lungs, and if he DID, then he may have complications for the rest of his life. She also talked to me about what her concerns were for the following week which were infection (no duh, that's why I don't want a pelvic exam,) and spontaneous birth. We set up an appointment with them again for the following Thursday, and went home.

A few hours later, I was contacted by the office that is in charge of the anatomy exam. They informed me that the hospital had contacted them and pushed up my appointment to next Tuesday to check on the baby's lungs, heart, brain, etc. They told me that Travis once again could not join me, so next week I may have to face that fear of being alone when finding out my baby has passed. A few minutes after getting off of the phone with them, I get a call from the doctor. She let me know that they were changing the anatomy scan so the doctor in anchorage can assess the situation sooner and get a consult with me next week about the results. She also let me know that my appointment for next Thursday would be moved to Friday when I make 20 Weeks. The reason being that if everything still looked the same, they will be admitting me to the hospital for 48 hours to start antibiotics.

Our next goals are now to make it through the weekend with no problems, and for the baby to have a heartbeat on Tuesday. From there we are hoping for the doctors in Anchorage to contact us and let us know there are no additional problems, and discuss transfer. After that, it is to get to Friday, 20 weeks, and the baby to still have a heart beat so we can start antibiotics. We have to take little steps, and celebrate each day without any major problems. Bed rest is horrible, but I am very grateful to still be on it, and hoping to stay on it for many many weeks to come.