Welcome to Anchorage

It's a little late, but I did promise an update today. We have a lot to cover and I have decided that in this post, I am also going to talk a little bit about how I am feeling about certain things. Before we get into all of that we have to go over some very important information. Today is Travis' Birthday!

Travis had to drop me off at the hospital yesterday to check in and come back a few hours later. During that time, I managed to talk to one of the nurses and set up a mini birthday cake delivery from the cafeteria for our lunch. It's not much, but I wanted him to have at least a little something. This man needs so much credit during this time. He has always been so amazing to me over the past 11 years of knowing each other, but I never imagined him to go through so much for me. I really don't know how I could have gotten this far without him. He has taken care of my every need, and not lets forget that for the first two weeks of this I was restricted to a bedside toilet...so enough said about that. He has taken care of my every need; even non emergency pregnancy cravings. So here is my little shout out to the most amazing husband on this post.

Now to back track a little for updates. On May 20th, 2020, we finished packing up our house (very last minute,) and hopped on a plane to Anchorage. Our flight was at 7:45, but we had to check in 2 hours prior to set up wheelchair services and get Mavis paid for. The wheelchairs are NOT comfortable in any way and the plane seats did not help anymore. Mavis was also not having the flight. She was clearly anxious, and the plane ride was not smooth. I am pretty sure that during the flight I bruised my tailbone, but that only hurt for about a day. We got all checked in to our hotel and got ready for the big day in the morning, as well as our last night with Mavis.

The next morning we woke up bright and early for our first appointment. Travis was not allowed in for the initial appointment for the ultrasound, which took about an hour to do, but he was allowed in for the consult afterward. We talked about the problems we are possibly going to face, what our options are, and what the plan is. The doctor also said that his scans looked good and the previously ran test was a false negative for any spinal gaps. He told us that he would be admitting me to the hospital later that day and the plan was to try and keep me pregnant for the next 12 weeks, after which we would discuss inductions and c-sections depending on Declan's position. Of course we do have to worry that he comes earlier due to premature labor, or has to be delivered due to an infection. We were told that I would be started on magnesium sulfate, another round of antibiotics, and the first round of steroid shots. We got out of the doctors office around 11:45 and they told us we didn't have to rush to the hospital and could pack and get something to eat. So we decided to go to Buffalo Wild Wings! This may not sound super exciting, but I haven't gone out to eat since EARLY March, and Buffalo Wild Wings is not an option in Fairbanks.

We also took some time to get back to the hotel not only to pack, but so I could get some time with Mavis before she left. I am really missing her and worried about her. I haven't been away from her for more than the 48 hours I was in the hospital a few weeks ago since we got her, and she was right down the road. We owe a huge thank you to our family friends Brian and Kristi, who have a cousin about 3 hours from us who decided to take care of her in the time being. Of course another huge thank you to their cousin, Sandi, for watching her. We are really hoping the travel ban does not get extended again after the new June 2nd date so we can get her back to Louisiana to our family. Sandi brought her kids with her to pick her up and Mavis immediately went to them, which doesn't surprise me because she loves kids. I can't wait to have my little Mavis back already.

We packed up a few things and went to the hospital, which has like 5 addresses. We got very lost on the campus and it took us about 35 minutes to find our way in. Travis is allowed to stay with me and I allowed to leave the hospital once a day. He still had to get to the store and pick up a few things as well as drop Mavis with Sandi, so we decided it was best that he just drop me off to get checked in. Once I got in they did the regular Covid question screening and temperature. The labor and delivery unit was right next to the entrance so it was pretty easy to get in and get set up. I was brought to my first room downstairs and told to get into my gown. I was in there for a bit just hanging out before anyone came in, but it wasn't bad. Once all the nurses came in and introduced themselves they started talking to me about what they were going to start me on. Everyone was very very nice and positive. They had to do a few swabs, but no speculum exams. When I told them I did not want a speculum exam, they said of course not and that was the most invasive thing that they could do to me and that it could cause infection. This is the first time I wasn't fought on getting an exam done. I also had to get tested for Covid-19 for safety reasons. It was not fun, and my nose bled from it. They got an IV in, but one of my veins blew within seconds. The second IV took, and I also had blood work drawn of course. I was started on the Magnesium, and oh my God was it awful. It makes your entire body feel like it was lit on fire. While that was going, they also did my first steroid shot which feels like they are injecting lava into your hip.

Travis finally got to the hospital, and they ended up moving me up to another room with windows and a nice mountain view. They also put Declan on a heart monitor band for a while, and they said everything was looking good for his heart rate. When they put us back on the monitor for the second time, I was told I was having inverted contractions. They had me turn on my side and they immediately stopped. Nothing else really happened, and everything was pretty normal. Our first day was fine in general, and we managed to hook up our play station so we weren't so bored. We did talk to the Neonatologist today, and she was very nice. We went over what to expect and what chances of survival are. While his chances go up every day, it really comes down to his lung development. We aren't quite at 50% survival rate yet like most 23 week pregnancies, due to the PPROM at 17 weeks.

Now I guess to get into some feelings. Everything is kind of all over the place with emotions for me, so I guess I will just touch on some of the things in every day life that I am struggling with. First, I have become increasingly jealous of other people pregnant, and giving birth. I know it's not their fault, and I don't have anything against them. I am so happy for them and their families, but it is hard to see. That's how MY pregnancy was supposed to be going. I was supposed to have these mile stones. I should know that my baby is going to be okay, but I don't. Which brings me into my second struggle I have been having. I keep getting messages from friends with excitement of the milestones that we do hit. I know that they mean well, but they take the milestones as reassurance that we have nothing to worry about. Even though we had scheduled our appointment in Anchorage, I still had to make it 10 days stable before even thinking that we would make it. Spontaneous labor is a HUGE risk for us right now, and we were lucky enough to get to Anchorage, but that risk is as prominent as ever. I know that everyone's lives go on separate than mine, but it's hard to keep explaining the severity of what is going on. It really does feel like I am alone during this sometimes, because this doesn't affect anyone CONSTANTLY except me. Even Travis isn't affected constantly. He can still leave the hospital, go work out, go get food, and isn't hooked up to machines constantly. It's just me. I know that people are thinking about me, praying for me, and more, but it does feel lonely at times.

I'm also struggling with people in public who do not know what is going on. Once again it is not their fault and I know that no one is doing anything to hurt me. I am so grateful for my continuously growing belly, but with the belly comes the comments and questions. How far are you, is it your first, are you excited? The last one being the hardest, because yes, if he makes it, I am excited, but they don't know that his chances of survival are so much less than normal. I'm never mean and answer as best as I can, but it is still a struggle. One person at the airport did say something negative, but that is the only experience with that so far. She said something about how I shouldn't need a wheelchair for pregnancy. It was to the person traveling with her, and not to me, but it was a comment that was not needed. If you don't know someone's condition, you shouldn't say anything about their needs.

Speaking of growing bellies, I have noticed that all the changes that originally worried me about pregnancy have become something I hope to have. With every week I am hoping to see some stretchmarks as a sign that he is growing, and to keep to never forget him. My belly button is normally an innie, and it use to really freak me out that it was going to pop out. Now Travis and I look at it every day to see how much flatter it is and how much closer it is to being popped out. Just another sign of an ever growing baby. We do know he is on the smaller side right now, which they said could be just because we are both small, but we are hoping he builds up some weight for birth. I was so worried about how my body would look after my pregnancy, but now I want anything to remember it. I have even decided that if I am able to give birth without a c-section, I want to try and do it natural, because I don't want to forget him. I want every feeling of pregnancy, good and bad, so I don't ever miss out. My arms are already scarring from the IV's, but none of it bothers me now.

As of today, we are 23 weeks. Hopefully we can keep him in there for 12 more weeks, and I can have my baby. Until then, we will just savor the moments we have with our sweet Declan James.