2 Weeks Shy

When I took this picture at 17 weeks I never thought it would be the last progression photo I would take for this pregnancy. I posted the comparison photo on my social media accounts on April 15, 2020. It was the first belly picture I shared during this pregnancy and I was met with congratulations, excitement, and the anticipation from everyone ready to see our little baby boy in September. The next day I woke up to very, very light spotting. It was so light that I even questioned if it was spotting. I let my husband, Travis, know that I may be spotting a little, but probably nothing to worry about as I wasn't cramping and some spotting is usually normal. We went about our day as normal and in the fashion of covid-19 quarantine I got bored and stir crazy. Our house had been flooding for the last 4 days due to the large amount of snow melting outside. I was tired of not being able to walk freely in the house due to the water and messaged a friend about visiting her and her family since we both had been in quarantine for the last 4 weeks. We decided that it would be fine for us to come there and even stay the night since our bed had to be moved out of the room. I put on real clothes for the first time in 4 weeks and noticed my cute little bump that now was more noticeable than the last time.

We headed over to her house and went about our day again. We talked about the pregnancy and all the exciting moments I have experienced. The baby started moving and my friend tried to feel him, but in his normal fashion any time someone else touches my stomach he stops moving (except for the few occasions he moved for his daddy.) It was the best day I had had in a while, especially since I had not seen them in almost 6 weeks. We cooked our dinner and I ate both the home made chicken noodle soup she made and the carne asada tacos I made because pregnancy hunger is no joke. We enjoyed our dinner and began making brownies. As I was mixing the batter I let Travis know that he was going to have to take over because my back suddenly started hurting. The plan was to go pee and then sit down to wait for the brownies. Before I could make it to the bathroom I felt some warm liquid come out of me. I exclaimed, "Oh no, I think I may have peed a little," but then another gush came out. And another. by the time I got to the bathroom I was soaked. I went back down stairs and told Travis we needed to go to the hospital now and showed him what was happening since at this point it was not stopping. We tried to call labor and delivery but there was no answer, so we went to the ER anyways.

We arrived at the hospital within 5 minutes of the initial flow. I called my mom on the way there to let her know what was happening and everything started setting in for me. By the time we went inside to check in, I was a sobbing mess. My body was in shock and I could hardly speak, I couldn't comprehend the process of getting checked in, and my vision was tunneled and blurred. Due to Covid-19 the hospital had extra precautions before being able to enter. We gave our ID's, explained why we were there, as best as we could, and sanitized ourselves and our ID's. We were told to check in at the front desk and let them know what was happening. The woman at the sanitizing station followed us in telling the front desk attendant that we had a code violet, which mean she thought we had a domestic violence case. We sit down only to hear her tell the attendant another 3 times about the code violet as well as telling the triage nurse. As we sat I cried into my husbands arms feeling more and more fluid coming out. The triage nurse came out to get me, and the chair was pooled with fluid when I stood up.

I walked into the triage room alone and Travis was told he could not come in with me. I was asked why I was there and if I felt safe at home or if I was in danger. After stating that I was indeed safe at home and just spontaneously was losing fluid, I was told that due to Covid-19 they did not allow visitors, but due to the circumstance they would let Travis come in after I was examined. The triage nurse brought me to the room and I waited to be seen.

Once in the room I was seen by two nurses who had me change into a gown to do some tests. I had several swabs done, blood tests, and an ultra sound, but I still had to do a urinalysis (we will come back to that.) They start the ultrasound and they tell me the heartbeat is at 140 and there is still fluid. I could tell by looking at the ultrasound that there is not as much fluid as there was before. The amniotic sac seemed to have a dip in it near the baby's head. I already knew that I was indeed leaking amniotic fluid and I began crying and shaking. They said the doctor was delivering a baby and would be in after that, but now it was time to do a urinalyses. I was given scrubs, mesh underwear, a pad, and directions to the bathroom. The bathroom was what felt like a mile away. I walked passed the nursing desk with my head down and tears pouring from my eyes and more fluid coming out elsewhere, provided the sample, and walked back to my room in the same fashion. I then asked if Travis could join me while I waited for the doctor and was finally told yes.

The nurse met Travis at the entrance and brought him to the room. I told him everything that had happened so far and once again started crying. The nurses came back in and let me know that the tests did confirm that I was leaking amniotic fluid and that the doctor still wanted to see me and would be in after he was out of delivery. Once they confirmed what was already suspected, I was inconsolable. Travis laid in the very small hospital bed with me as I cried and we waited together. Most things from this point on get pretty hazy for me. We called for a bedside toilet so I could do my best to not walk far, and also asked for water. I was told I would get the toilet, but I could not have any water until after the doctor saw me and spoke to me in case he decided I needed to be rushed into surgery. The words of surgery once again sent me into hysterics. The nurse told me that this didn't mean the end, but once again, nothing could consul me. As the hours went on with no doctor, more and more fluid came out. One hour turned to 3 hours and all reassurance from Travis and my mom was met with my realization that if they were going to do anything for an emergency, it would've been done by now. I cried to my husband that they were taking too long and that they were letting my baby die inside of me. Travis checked in with the nurses once again and we were told the doctor just got down and they were about to come in.

The doctor entered and let me know that he wanted to re do the tests just to make sure, but he was pretty certain everything was correct. So another round of test and we get to the ultrasound. I can see that all the fluid that was there 3.5 hours ago was now completely gone. The doctor found a very small amount of fluid and then let us know the babies heart beat was 120. I cried and the doctor told me that it was a normal heart rate. All I could say was that it was 140, over and over again. He left us alone, I was finally brought some water, and we waited again for results.

The results were in and everything was once again confirmed. It was Midnight April 17th at this point so I was technically now 18 weeks. This means that at 17 weeks and 6 days, my water spontaneously broke. The doctor explained our options. He said we could be transferred to a hospital where they would go ahead and end the pregnancy now. We told him that was not an option. He explained to us that at this point of pregnancy the baby could not live if he was born. I needed to go home on bed rest and try and make it to 20 weeks without going into labor or the baby dying in the womb. I would have appointments scheduled every few days to be seen and make sure the baby was alive still. If he was not, then they would take me into have a caesarean. This type of caesarean would not be horizontal like normal, but it would be vertical. The difference in the two being that the second one would be required in every future pregnancy before I reached 36 weeks to prevent my uterus from splitting open later. If the baby stayed alive for the next two weeks they would start me on antibiotics to keep infection away. The possibility of me getting an infection before making it to that point was very high, and if I do get one they will have to send me into surgery for a caesarean. I was exactly two weeks shy of them being able to do something. Anything. If I could make it to 22-24 weeks I would then be transferred 8 hours away to a hospital in Anchorage. I had to stay in bed with no amniotic fluid and hope that my baby lived and I wouldn't get an infection...for 4-6 weeks, and there was nothing they could do until then.

We were discharged and decided to go back to my friends house to stay there because our house was still flooding and their house was one street away from the hospital. We got to the house and sleep did not come easy and hardly came at all. I couldn't stop crying and noticing how much smaller my baby bump had gotten in just a few hours. Once I did fall asleep it only lasted for about an hour. I woke up from a horrible nightmare screaming and crying. I tried to sleep some more, and Travis went to the store to find a portable toilet so I could minimize walking even more so. During this time I talked to both my friend and my mom. Both of them thought that they should not have let me go home. Especially since I was having back pain and pain in my left abdomen. We decided we would go to another hospital when Travis got home just to make sure there was nothing that could be done. Once again due to Covid-19 Travis was not allowed to enter the hospital or the waiting room. They transferred me from the emergency room to labor and delivery and let Travis come in with me. We were both required to wear masks, of course. The tests were re ran and the new ultrasound showed a fetal heartbeat of 169, but no fluid. I figured as much because nothing was coming out of me anymore. In the end we were told the same thing as before. I felt bad for going in again, but I couldn't just accept that nothing could be done. I had to at least try. Once again we went back to my friends house in tears. Travis fixed me dinner, picked up movies and coloring books for us, and I tried my best to stay calm. Travis stayed up and played with my hair while I tried to fall asleep. I slept more during this night than the night before, but every time I did wake up in the night I was met with back pain and waves of sadness. Sadness isn't even a strong enough word to describe what I felt and still feel. I feel helpless, overwhelmed, and some how numb all at the same time. I should be able to protect my baby, but I cannot. My baby has a 100:1 chance of surviving now. I've been told miracle stories from people I know and stories my family has read of the baby surviving, even with water breaking at 10 weeks. The problem is with all these stories the hospital does something. Antibiotics, admission, monitoring, but they aren't options for me for some reason.

Today is April 18, 2020. I have 13 days to make it until something can be done. I have been having some back pain every few hours now. I am staying in bed, drinking lots of water and hydrating drinks, eating food, and doing my best to stay positive. It's so hard to stay positive when the doctors have no hope. If I deliver before 22 weeks they will not do anything to keep the baby alive. If I go into labor before 20 weeks they will not stop it. All I can do at this point is hope for the best.